


Slap Slap Kiss

by Rehlia



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Underfell, Christmas, Fights, Gift Fic, Kisses, Mistletoe, Secret Santa, Silly, Swearing, Undertale Secret Santa 2017, christmas shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 19:51:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13620522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rehlia/pseuds/Rehlia
Summary: Christmas comes with a fair share of traditions. The Underfell monsters know this, and prepared accordingly to make their human ambassador happy.They're sure they got this whole mistletoe thing down right...





	Slap Slap Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my Secret Santa backup assignment for Poetax! I hope you like it~

They were gathered, six monsters in a semi-circle around the doorway, each of their postures tense. 

The doorway had a certain size; that had been necessary in order to accomodate all of them and their sizes, and the owner had been lucky to find such a generously measured house with such generously measured doorways in such a nice location. Other monsters, arguably more deserving depending on who you asked, hadn’t been so lucky. But then there was her _past_ , and despite everything, that counted for something. 

The generous measurements of the home had lent themselves to equally generous efforts from all of them; a mass of decorations spread through every available corner, on every available surface, and the less said about the explosion that was the front lawn and the facade of the house, the better. Lengths of tinsel were wrapped around fences, stuck against the corners of the room, wound around lamps and their cables, and tossed over the backrests of chairs. Fairy lights were strung up across the entirety of the front windows, the edge of the roof, the fences again, and there were more strung around the many decorative, Christmas themed statues that had been put up on the lawn. In the corner of the living room, a massive tree threatened to bend and break under the weight of the baubles, tinsel, fake snow, more fairy lights, bows, ribbons, bells and a host of other assorted decorations that had been purchased in bulk just for the occasion. Trays with cookies and gingerbread were set up throughout the house to snack from and the dinner had already been prepped in the kitchen, only needing some time in the oven before it could be served. 

And yet, in spite of all these things, a single object had become the focus of attention instantly after it had been put up there.

It looked so innocent. 

A small bundle of green, white berries peeking out between the leaves. 

“I AM _NOT_ STEPPING UNDERNEATH THAT!” Papyrus declared with a huff, glancing around and practically daring anyone else present to try and make him. “THIS SO CALLED TRADITION IS BARBARIC AND UNDIGNIFIED! UNDYNE, YOU GO.” 

“Fuck you, why should I?” she spat, a faint growl issuing a challenge right back. 

“aren't you ‘n miss goggles on spit exchange terms anyway?” Sans cackled. 

“Gross!”

“Y-yeah, don't c-call it that!” Alphys croaked. 

“As if I would do something so dumb and mushy!” Undyne continued. “We just fuck that's all!”

This time, Alphys didn't agree, instead huffing in an insulted way. 

“Trouble in paradise already?” Mettaton purred. “My my. How juicy.”

“Write about my personal sex life and you're scrap metal,” Undyne growled, the threat in her voice genuine this time. 

“Is that so?” Mettaton questioned, the metallic purr of his voice gaining a sharp edge. 

“Hey! We all promised to get along, remember?” 

They all looked down at the high-pitched voice, causing Flowey to curl up, trying to hunch shoulders he didn't have. 

“We promised Frisk, remember…?” he continued, soft and insecure. 

He was met with a round of dismissive snorts, but there was also no more arguing. At least for a moment. 

“IN THE NAME OF NOT UPSETTING THE CHILD, GO INTO THE KITCHEN TO GET DINNER STARTED, UNDYNE,” Papyrus demanded. 

“Stop ordering me around,” she growled back. 

“WE WON'T GET ANYWHERE IF YOU CONTINUE TO BE SO CONTRARY!” Papyrus argued. 

“Well, since everyone is so difficult about it, I shall sacrifice myself,” Mettaton declared, his voice most dramatic, attempting to roll his rectangular body forwards and under the archway of the door. 

“Gross! So one of us has to kiss you? Fuck off!” Undyne shouted. 

“yeah, nobody wants that,” Sans chimed in. 

“M-maybe Papyrus wants that?” Alphys asked hopefully, tipping the claws of her index fingers together. 

“WHAT KIND OF MALICIOUS SLANDER ARE YOU SPOUTING! LIKING HIS SHOWS DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO KISS HIM! NEITHER OF US EVEN HAVE LIPS!” Papyrus roared, summoning a bone. 

“Don't you dare attack her!” Undyne countered, summoning a spear of her own. 

Flowey sighed to himself. Here they went again, a Mexican standoff threatening to become a full-blown fight over something as stupid as kissing. So what if they'd have to throw a couple of smooches around when walking through the doorway? He didn't get what the big deal was. Perhaps it was different with a soul, but even then. Monsters were too obsessed with appearing tough! He already knew how this would end. They'd threaten each other, fight, and then regardless of who won the whole thing with the kissing would be over in seconds and everyone would make far too big a deal out of it. Unless they ended up killing each other, but that was unlikely to happen. Probably. 

“So you're not backing down, huh?” Undyne said, a vicious grin playing over her features as she rolled her neck to loosen up. “Fuhuhu. Suit yourself. It's been a while since we really had a go at each other.”

“DON'T BE SO CONFIDENT,” Papyrus shot back, a similarly cruel smile adorning his teeth. “I'M MORE THAN READY TO TAKE YOU ON. SANS! STAY BEHIND ME!”

“got it, boss,” Sans replied, the multicoloured light of the fairy lights playing over his golden tooth. “ready when you are.”

Alphys had already taken cover behind Undyne, while Mettaton was seemingly deciding to stay out of the whole thing. 

“I'll beat you so hard you'll be leaking marrow for a month,” Undyne threatened. “And then I'll make you smooch the metal box so we can finally have dinner!”

“I'LL RIP ALL OF YOUR SCALES OUT WHILE YOU SQUEAL, AND THEN I'LL MAKE YOU HAVE A GROSSLY ROMANTIC MAKE OUT SESSION WITH THE SQUEAKY SCIENTIST!” Papyrus retaliated. 

The first spears began to fly, which Papyrus deftly blocked, no opening left in his defence. Even his brother stayed protected in the initial assault. Undyne ducked when a sharpened bone went flying towards her head, and threw a volley of spears in a diagonal line meant to hit Papyrus’ body. 

This was so boring. 

Flowey had seen endless variations of sparring and real fights between Undyne and Papyrus, sometimes with others present, and sometimes with just the two of them there. He knew all the outcomes. Although it had never been about something so inane as smooching. 

Hmmm. 

Actually, that was one avenue he had never pursued in general. Romance had never interested him in any form. He had been far too young when he died to have an interest in it, and the lack of a soul in his current form prevented this interest from forming even when the subjective years he loved began to stack up and reached far into a perceived adulthood. Dealing with friendships was already annoying enough, he had no patience for romance and all that came with it. 

But now that he thought about it, there might be some fun to be had with this strange human ritual of enforced kissing. 

He slid through a crack in the floorboards, tunneling through the earth while following the vibrations and noise above him, until he rose next to a filthy, shabby sneaker in black and read, mustard yellow shoelaces haphazardly tied to hold them. 

When he looked up, Sans was already glancing at him out of the corner of his eyes. Flowey uprooted himself and began to climb the short skeleton, finally perching on his shoulder. It felt strangely familiar and comforting; back when Flowey was still in control of the timelines, there had been several where he and Sans had been friends and got up to a lot of pranks and other silly stuff. They'd had a great time, but then Flowey had gotten bored and reset to explore the darker options to be had with Sans. And then he'd gotten defeated, and they were never friends again. 

Pushing the thought aside, Flowey refocused on more important things. 

“How about we team up to get this over with faster?” he suggested, not even having to keep his voice quiet since Undyne and Papyrus were making such a ruckus. 

“not gonna force my bro into anything,” Sans whispered. 

“That's not an outright no,” Flowey observed with a fiendish grin. In return, Sans’ grin widened, and one of his sockets closed in a quick wink. 

“let’s just get alphys to go, she'll make out with undyne and then we're done,” Sans suggested. 

That was boring. 

But he could see Papyrus glancing back at them while dodging one of Undyne’s attacks, recognising that something was going on. The others didn't seem to notice, too distracted by Undyne’s yells and all the spears and bones flying around. Flowey could work with this. 

Emboldened by the pact, Flowey descended, back to the floor and then through the cracks into the ground. That had been part one. Now that he knew that Sans was working with him, he could tackle the second part of the plan. Suppressing a giggle, he snuck some of his vines out of the ground in several strategic spots. Based on the vibrations above him, he should get his results in three, two, one -

A foot hit his vine and he snapped it up, squeezing the flesh now trapped between it. 

“What the fuck!” Undyne roared. 

He tightened his other vine, trapping Mettaton on the spot by his wheel. When he felt four hands pulling on the vine, he shaped several more loops to trap those too, leaving the robot completely immobile. 

Finally, he pressed several more vines through the floorboards and captured Alphys’ hands and feet. Now only Sans and Papyrus were left unrestrained. 

He popped out of the ground and gave both skeletons a wide smile. 

“There you go!” Flowey declared innocently. “I restrained the opponents as planned!”

“VERY GOOD! SANS, I'M GLAD THAT FOR ONCE YOU DECIDED TO GET OFF YOUR ASS AND HELP ME!” Papyrus declared proudly. “NOW GO!”

“w-what?” Sans stuttered.

“You fucking cheater!” Undyne roared. 

“ey, that wasn't the plan!” Sans complained, glaring at Flowey, who felt a spark of amusement inside him. 

“SANS, STOP WAILING! WALK THROUGH THE DOORWAY, PICK SOMEONE TO ASSAULT WITH YOUR DISGUSTING MUG, AND PUT THE DINNER INTO THE OVEN!” Papyrus demanded. 

“no way! i ain't kissin’ any of these shitheads!” 

“SANS YOU IMBECILE, I _ORDER_ YOU TO - “

“What exactly are you doing?” 

Flowey flinched. The voice interrupting them was icy cold and one he happened to know very well. 

“They were fighting over the kissing! I only tried to make peace!” he immediately blurted out, trying to defend himself. He slowly turned his head to see whether it had worked. 

Toriel had her arms crossed in front of her chest, and her lips were pursed over her fangs, giving her haggard face a more than just disapproving look. Her eyes were piercing. Next to her, Frisk mostly just looked confused as they took in the scene. 

“What happened?” they asked quietly. 

“WE INTENDED TO ENTER THE KITCHEN TO PUT THE DINNER IN THE OVEN,” Papyrus explained, “BUT NOBODY WAS WILLING TO FOLLOW THE HUMAN RITUAL NECESSITATED BY STEPPING UNDER THE DEAD PLANT!”

Frisk only looked more confused now. 

“ya know,” Sans added. “you step under the mistletoe, you gotta pick someone and they gotta kiss ya.”

“They all started fighting over who would choose and whom they would kiss so I decided to end the fight,” Flowey insisted. Based on the glare Sans gave him, Flowey didn't really expect the get away with the lie now. 

But Frisk only giggled. 

“Oh, I think you misunderstood,” they snickered. “It's only when two people step under mistletoe together, then they gotta kiss each other. Uhm, I mean, they don't have to if they really don't want to. But it's tradition.”

All of the monsters blinked at them. 

“So all of this was for nothing?!” Undyne complained. 

“THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD TO KNOW EARLIER,” Papyrus agreed. 

Both of them began to lever angry stares at Mettaton, pointing out the culprit. 

“U-uhm, I'd still like to…” Alphys stuttered out, perhaps in an attempt to divert attention from her friend, only to peter out halfway through. 

“It's what I read,” Mettaton huffed. “Don't blame me for getting it wrong when you didn't want to do your own research!”

Flowey quietly retracted his vines, knowing full well that there would be no point to keep the other monsters trapped now that Toriel and Frisk were here. It was a shame. The fighting and betrayal had been funny, and it wasn't as if anyone had been at risk for injury or death, most likely, so what was the harm? But Frisk and Toriel didn't like it. 

“I shall get started on the dinner,” Toriel declared, strutting through the doorway as if it was nothing. “You all better… behave.”

The final word was spoken in such a cold tone that nobody, not even the usually argumentative Papyrus, dared to object. 

“You're so silly,” Frisk giggled. “Why couldn't Undyne and Alphys just kiss?”

Undyne apparently had trouble repeating her insistence that she only wanted to have sex with Alphys, probably because she was scared Toriel would hear and start throwing her own bullets around. 

“Reasons!” Undyne finally blustered. 

“Maybe you're a chicken instead of a fish,” Flowey giggled, quickly crawling up Frisk's arm so Undyne wouldn't be able to get him and retaliate. 

“Flowey!” Frisk sounded disappointed, leaving him pouting. What, it had been funny. And also true. Still, they put their hands around his roots, preventing him from leaving his perch as they walked forwards. 

“W-what are you doing!” he squeaked when he noticed that they were walking towards the doorway. 

Before he could really protest or otherwise react, they had pressed a quick peck against his forehead. 

“Showing everyone that a kiss is nothing bad,” Frisk said with a wide, gentle smile. “And it doesn’t have to be romantic either. It can be something friends do to show they care.”

Flowey was speechless, unable to articulate what he was feeling or thinking. He had no soul and felt neither affection or friendship, but for some reason, he still appreciated their gesture. 

“Well, in that case!” Mettaton exclaimed, pulling Alphys close. 

“No way, I get to smooch her!” Undyne protested. 

“WHY, SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND, SMOOCH ME INSTEAD!” Papyrus demanded. 

“aw, boss, wouldn’t you rather i show you that i care?” Sans teased. 

Just like that, they were squabbling again, only without bullets this time, Toriel’s warning and presence in the kitchen apparently being enough of a deterrent.

“I guess at least they’re not attacking each other anymore,” Frisk sighed, watching the proceedings. 

“They’ve come remarkably far considering they grew up on violence,” Flowey pointed out after a moment, thinking that it might cheer them up to be reminded of how much they helped these monsters. True to his guess, Frisk began smiling again, nodding in agreement. Together, they kept watching the squabbling monsters. 

For some reason, even though he didn’t get to participate in the mock-argument, Flowey felt good.


End file.
